The Second Stage of Dating: Uncertainty

 In our last advice on relationships blog we introduced the five-stage framework in

Uncertainty is a predictable stage of dating

developing relationships that clarifies behaviours for men and women. They are:

  1. Attraction
  2. Uncertainty
  3. Exclusivity
  4. Intimacy
  5. Committment

Today we will tackle the difficult stage of uncertainty. 

Uncertainty is a predictable stage of dating.  You may be surprised that being uncertain does NOT mean that this isn’t the right person for you.  Both men and women tend to feel uncertain when they are dating someone that stands out from the others, when there is a special connection.

The first stage of dating, Attraction, is a time to meet and get to know a variety of people.  Stage 2 is the time to focus on one and give the relationship a chance. Men and women experience uncertainty differently.  Let’s begin our discussion with …

Uncertainty for Him:

When a man is uncertain he tends to question whether he wants to pursue a relationship. We all know at least one man who has dated just about every eligible woman in town, one more fabulous than the next.  And yet this man is still single and typically says that he has never met the right woman.  This man has not yet made it through the second stage of dating, uncertainty.

During this time men may find that other women begin to seem more appealing.  Rather than looking to where the grass is greener, a man who is uncertain needs to stay on his side of the fence and dig deeper:  Rather than questioning if this woman is the right person for him, he needs to ask, “Could I be the right man for her? Do I care for her? Do I want to make her happy? Does her happiness make me happy?  Do I miss her when we are apart?”

Without acceptance that uncertainty is predictable, a man may get stuck in a cycle of serial relationships. Instead of testing to see if he can make a woman happy, he questions whether she can give him what he wants … and may miss the perfect partner for him.

Uncertainty for Her

When a woman is uncertain she tends to focus on where the relationship is going.  Often she senses that the man is pulling away.  To find reassurance, she makes one of two common mistakes: Either she begins to ask questions about the relationship, or she may try to win him over.  Both of these approaches can push him away or prevent him from feeling confident that he is the right man for her.

In the uncertainty stage, when a woman doesn’t understand a man, she may begin to panic.  She asks ugly questions like, “ Did I do something wrong?  Is there someone else?  When will he call?”  These questions will take her in the wrong direction and she may make the mistake of being too available or, worse, pursuing. 

Men are like rubber bands:  They pull away and, if you don’t run after them, they will often spring back.  For a woman, the stage of uncertainty should be a time to reflect on what she is getting from the man, not on what she could get.  This is a time for the woman to stay open to his future advances, but more important, it is a time to fill up her life with the support of friends … to think about whether he is really the right person for an exclusive relationship.

So the best advice on relationships in the uncertainty stage of dating is to not lose your cool.  There are some bumps on the path to finding a loving and lasting relationship and this is one of them.  Stay tuned for our next blog on Love at First Sight.  From my advice on relationships to you …

Karen

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116 Responses to The Second Stage of Dating: Uncertainty

  1. confused says:

    So how long are you suppose to wait and leave the men alone during the uncertainty stage? My guy and I went pretty strong as soon as we met, spending every night together, going out on weekends, he was just so into me, told his parents about me, and it was just physical, he always told me he just loved having my company and everytime i stayed with him he would do anything so i can stay longer. Cooked for me everyday, watched my silly shows. we would play games online. But a week n a half ago he said i was so perfect its scaring him and he wants to slow things down? what the hec does that mean? So I completely stopped calling him, he went out of town that whole week and never called me nor did i call him, we gently communicated via FB and now when he’s back im going out of town. This will be the 2nd week of no real communication. And remember this was the guy who messages, talked me on the phone everyday. I liked him and I understand the rubber band theory and he is going through career changes in his life where he’ll be traveling alot so is there a hope? and my main question is, how long should I wait before realizing its a dead deal and stop being hopeful? Ive completely left him alone.. so how long do you think from a professional point of view before he springs back? Please advise, im so confused.

    • admin says:

      Dear Confused

      Your story is textbook. Your man is going through uncertainty and needs some distance from the relationship. I am going to ask you to do three things:
      1. Reflect deeply on whether he is the right man for you;
      2. Get on with your life; and
      3. Be open to his future advances until you are involved with someone new.

      If hopeful means waiting by the phone / FB – this is not a happy place and should be avoided. You don’t know when or if he will come back and it’s out of your hands. This is a painful time for any woman … and you will emerge stronger in yourself.

      Karen

    • Rusty says:

      Just what the doctor ordered, thank you!

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  3. Hafshel says:

    My guy and I are both post divorce. We have both dated people that don’t measure up. For one of the first times, I have found one of the “good guys.” Truly didn’t think they were out there and available in their 40′s. But now, he has cold feet. We both have tremendously busy careers, children, family committments, homes to tend to, etc. Neither one of us really has time for a relationship, but we both like the thought of having someone to take to work functions, hang out with, etc. Intimacy has basically come to an end, but the conversation and support between us is invaluable. We have incredible emotional intmacy, little to no physical intmacy. We both say we love each other. We both “measure up” to what the other was looking for. All of his previous relationships, she left, including his marriage. I left my marriage. I would say that all of these women left him because he doesn’t give the relationship the time it needs. I know I’m not going to change that. I’m trying to just let this grow at its own pace. Do I hang in there? Are his walls up protecting himself?

    • admin says:

      Dear Hanging In There

      It sounds like you now have an intimate friendship with your guy and that wasn’t your intent. Sometimes a man loses attraction for his woman because she gives too much. If you are his shoulder to cry on and a ready date for work functions, I’m wondering if you are working too hard to please him. This shoe needs to be on the other foot. It is his job to win your love. Trying too hard to please a man will never earn his lasting affections.

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  78. justanotherproblem says:

    I’ve known this girl since I was 14 & I took her out twice in high school, but nothing ever sparked. I eventually went to another school & she started dating a guy at 17, she would date him for the next 13 years. I joined the military, but we always stayed in contact. She was the only friend of mine that wrote me in boot camp & when I was discharged I thought of only one thing, Mary! We arranged to hang out, but when I arrived 4 of her friends protected her from making any mistakes that a girlfriend shouldn’t & even stayed the night to keep her honest. I moved on, however we remaind friends & stayed in constant contact. She dated that guy until 2 months ago & she just recently asked me to hang out. We had a few drinks & went back to her place & couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. I woke up to her crying later & I tried to consol her. She said she felt like a trash can & I didn’t care about her. The next day I went home w/few words being said by Mary. Later she texted me not to tell anyone & told she didn’t think she could talk to me anymore. I thanked her for being so ashamed of me & was devastated. She texted me later that day & said she was really sorry & said she got freaked out & just wanted to forget about it. I really do think this is the girl I can spend the rest of my life with. I just sent her flowers with a card that read “Your friendship means everything you me”. What should I do?

    • Karen says:

      Dear Just Another Problem

      I don’t think this is just another problem as your feelings for Mary seem heartfelt. It sounds like intimacy came too soon after her breakup and that she was on the rebound. This is reasonable given that she was with her ex-boyfriend for 13 years.

      What if you use this uncomfortable situation, as an opportunity? Press the re-set button and casually date, getting to know each other all over again. Move slowly through the five stages of dating from attraction through uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy and, if it’s right, commitment. Talk openly about your thoughts (and yes, I’m here to help) on how to build a great romance. Please stay in touch and let me know how it goes. Karen

  79. MegMeg says:

    My guy and I have been together for 5 months and I think we have hit this stage. The last week he has been distant and quiet. He has been sick so he refuses to come around bc he doesnt want to get me or my son sick. He doesnt romance me like he used to. He doesnt talk to me as much. I havent seen him in over a week. I have asked him twice if everything is ok and he has said yes both times. I have recently found out that I have cancer and my fear is that he would bail bc that is a lot to deal with. H e promised me that he isnt going anywhere. Is it my imagination? Or is something wrong?

    • Karen says:

      You are right that he is exhibiting the need to pull away. Believe him when he says that he isn’t going anywhere and give him the space he needs. Remember that men are like elastic bands!

  80. Curve says:

    Hi,

    Thanks a lot for the articles about the stages of dating.
    Id like to known at what stages the first kiss happen usually and the first night ?

    Thanks a lot

    • Karen says:

      That’s a common question and there is no formula. The first kiss happens when you feel close and want to get close.

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  82. Lisa says:

    The man i’ve been dating for a month and a half has been saying that while he loves being with me and really likes me, he finds that when we are not together he doesn’t think of me at all, and that is a sign that he doesn’t have true feelings for me. He feels at the beginning stages especially there should be more longing to be with a person and a kind of obsessive quality. His mind is made up about this. I am wondering if he really doesn’t have the right feelings for me or if he’s going through an uncertainty stage and doesn’t see it? I don’t feel certain myself, but think another couple of months would help us know. What do you think?

    • Karen says:

      Hi Lisa

      Thanks for your note. If this man’s mind is made up … then move on. His version of romantic love sounds more like being under a spell – which is infatuation. I agree with you, that true love is something you build over time.

  83. playdate or says:

    Hello,

    thanks for your great insight..maybe you can help me here. Of course it is not easy to explain everything in a few words for you to get the real picture…but I will give it a shot…
    There is this single dad who out of the blue asked me to go on a playdate with our kids. Every time we meet, we have amazing time. I do flirt sometimes, just as a friend since I missed being free around a man…I understood from him that he is under a lot of stress, recuperating from his divorce, so I try to be a support system for him as a friend….ok ok I do feel a little attraction or infatuation (I don’t really know him)…He pulls away at times, when I give him the sapce he does eventually come back. I am getting confused, are we friends or is there more? I feel that he is scared from confronting his true feelings, could I be right?
    should I keep doing what I am doing, or do you have other advise…
    Thanks

    • Karen says:

      Hi There

      When a man says he is recuperating from divorce, believe him. He is wise to take his time to heal instead of dating too fast and hurting himself and others. Play dates are not dates.

      My advise to you is to stop thinking this relationship is more that it is. Turn your attention to what makes you happy … and I hope that’s not listening to his problems. That path will only ever lead to being a shoulder to cry on, not the woman he wants.

      When women meet a great guy, we often try to do whatever we can to make him see what a great catch we are. We listen to him, drive to his place, make him dinner, give him our best advise. All of these admirable efforts makes him think of you as a mother or friend instead of inspiring emotional desire. Resist the temptation to prove your worth by giving and create the space for him to give to you.

      Karen

      • playdate or says:

        Hello,

        Well I am not a shoulder for him to cry on and don’t want to be, but I do want to give support by just having fun, I myself come from a very bad divorce so I don’t want more than friendship. I just want to have fun and since he is the first guy I welcome in my life, I am enjoying it…just to have a “guy” friend. The problem is that I feel that he is very reserved as a friend and that what confuses me….he is scared of something….why would a person be confused as a friend..and of course I do give him space so he can get the idea…but he seems scared?!? and that is when I need your advise…

        • Karen says:

          Dear Playdate or …?

          It’s difficult to know if your guy friend is just naturally reserved or actually, as you say, scared. If you wonder about it, can you share your observations with him? Try something like, “I get the sense that you hold back, don’t want to say too much and am wondering what that’s about.” This kind of open conversation helps build the friendship and is great practice for all relationships.

          Karen

  84. PerkyM says:

    My boyfriend and I have been together 9 1/2 months. We have fallen in love beyond words. A month ago he got a new job where he works nights. So he sleeps all day and is on call every other weekend. I am trying to be patient with learning how to deal with never seeing him and not talkin as often, but the last 2 weeks it has been worse. I get on average 3 text messages a day. We have 1 real conversation a week, over the phone. I never see him. He never comes to see me anymore. He doesnt come from the greatest family background and he isnt close with any of his family. So I dont think that he understands how this hurts me because I do come from a very close knit family and life. I feel he isnt making an effort anymore. I have asked him about this and he says that if he didnt love me or want to be with me he would end it and not be talkin to me. But he doesnt already. Is he falling out of love with me or is this a normal part of the relationship at this stage?

    • Karen says:

      Hi Perky

      What is not normal or acceptable is that you are no longer having your needs met in this relationship. It is time to share your feelings, not by criticizing his choices, but by sharing, “I feel hurt. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I have no physical contact.” And then ask him what he thinks. A man who loves you will hear you on an emotional level and step up to solve this problem. If not, it is likely time to see other people.

  85. Prim says:

    Hello :) I am currently going through this uncomfortable stage myself hahah. I know that men pull back and since I have not pursued him and let him reflect it has resulted in him expressing how much he misses me (we are in different states right now because of the army) my question is… How can you not be too available? I don’t want him to think I am not interested… I don’t automatically text him back and I have missed a call here or there but how do you come off as busy and sassy not b****y and uninterested? Where is the balance?

    • Karen says:

      Hi Prim (Is your name a nod to The Hunger Games?)

      Having your man missing you is a good sign that you are doing the right thing by giving him space. Talking for 5 hours a night is kind of hard to sustain and usually occurs only at the beginning of a relationship. You didn’t say how long you’ve been together and if you are exclusive or not. If so, please read up on the 4th Stage of Dating: Intimacy. Once you are established as a couple you may begin to share more of your thoughts and feelings. Focus on the quality of your contact more than the quantity.

      Karen

  86. Prim says:

    Might I add I am going CRAZY because we would talk ALL he time in the beginning (like 5+ hours a night) now I am feeling like, HELLO? I know he only wants to be with me but really…?

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